I was reminded a few days ago of an earlier post, one of the first ones actually, when I was simply writing random shit on my MySpace page (I’m ashamed to admit now that I had one) and before I migrated over to a “proper” blog or whatever the hell this is. Anyway, the title of the post was “Things Memphians Should Do Before They Die” and it had but one thing listed: “1) move.”

Not that I believe Memphis is a terrible place to live…it’s not. In fact, I’ve lived here for just a little over 14 years, though most of that was out of laziness or being sucked into a vortex of shitty relationships that kept me here. But though Memphis may not be a terrible place to live, it’s not a great place to live either. And now, very soon (in less than a week in fact), I will be following my own advice and leaving the River City; relocating to what the early French explorer Jean-Baptiste Benard de la Harpe dubbed “La Petite Roche” (that would be Little Rock for the non-French speaking types) so that I can get married to a certain woman before she comes to her senses and changes her mind.

So anyway, I suppose I’ve started feeling a little nostalgic lately and I’ve been thinking about things I’m going to miss about Memphis. At first, not many things came to mind, so I tried thinking a little harder…and then harder still. I couldn’t come up with a list of 10 things that I would miss about Memphis, even with making shit up. It was easier to come up with a list of things that I wouldn’t miss about Memphis…kind of sad, really, but it is what it is. So here they are, the things I will and will not miss about Memphis:

Things I’ll Miss:

1. Friends

This is cheating a little bit because my friends aren’t unique to Memphis, they just happen to live here. If I had been living in Buttfuck, Egypt for the last 14 years I would have had friends presumably…not these particular friends, but still friends whom I would miss. Regardless, the friends I’ve made here are the friends I have and I will miss them even though they never fucking call me or answer the goddamn phone when I call them, unless of course somebody wants tickets to something in which case I hear from a few of them quite often. Now that I think about it, fuck them…I only put friends first so I wouldn’t have to listen to someone bitch about “why didn’t you say you’d miss your friends?” Fine, I’ll miss my friends…happy now?

2. The Buccaneer Lounge

Yeah ok, it’s just a bar but do you know how hard it is to find a cool dive bar with an awesome jukebox where the bartenders pour you a beer and have it ready for you before you even have a chance to sit down? It ain’t easy, and the Buc has been my home away from home for a while now and I am truly going to miss that place. I’ve got 6 days left in this city and despite the mountain of shit I’ve got to get done in that time, I think I may have to visit the Buc one last time if for no other reason than to steal something as a keepsake. Memories last as long as your mind allows, but stolen shit lives forever.

3. The Flying Saucer (downtown)

Yes, another bar…but one that I’ve invested a lot of time and money in, and if I still lived or worked downtown I would frequent more often than I do currently. I’ve got two plates there and have been working on a third. Lots of memories there, professional and personal, both good and bad…and actually had it not been for the Saucer, the story of my life would be very different than it is now and my impending nuptials would more than likely not have happened. And though there is a Saucer in Little Rock, and I’m happy about that, it’s just not, and not going to be, the same.

4. Team Trivia and the Fucking Rapscallions

I only started playing team trivia on a regular basis to compete against the Fucking Rapscallions, so I consider them both to be on the same level; they are not mutually exclusive. In every great story, the hero (in this case, I’m the fucking hero) needs an antagonist, a nemisis…and for me, for the trivia team, that nemeis is and has been the Fucking Rapscallions. Every Tuesday evening I have looked forward to beating the shit out of Paul Ryburn’s band of merry misfits. It’s never been about winning, it’s always been about beating them. Not because they’re that great or the best, but because I don’t like their fucking attitude. And according to my records, since the Tendencies have been playing, we’ve given the beatdown to the “invincible” Rapscallions (except when Mikey from the Fucking Rapscallions was trivia guy…funny how that works) more often than they will ever admit. And while its true that there is a Saucer in Little Rock and they have trivia and I will certainly be playing trivia there, it just won’t be the same. That’s not to say that there’s not some douchebag trivia team in Little Rock that thinks they are the shit and needs a good spanking which I am more than happy to deliver…there probably is…but they won’t be the Fucking Rapscallions.

Things I Won’t Miss:

1.  The Weather

Today is September 22nd.  In most places, it means the first day of Fall.  In Memphis, it doesn’t mean shit because we don’t have seasons here.  We have about a couple of weeks of warm, pleasant weather (what others might call Spring), followed by about 5 months of sweltering, treefrogging heat, followed by 6 months or so of your guess is as good as mine.  In the middle of December, one day it might be 30 degrees, the next day it could be 80 and then the day after that we could get 3 inches of freezing rain that blankets everything in a solid sheet of ice and the whole city shuts down until the sun comes out and melts it away.  I grew up in the Midwest, and up there we had seasons; warm weather followed by hot weather followed by cool weather followed by freeze your balls off cold weather.  It was stable, and you could adjust to the changing temperatures.  But here, you can’t do that and my constitution just can’t take it anymore.  So, fuck you Memphis weather and good riddance.

2.  Memphis Drivers

Every city claims to have the worst drivers.  And then they come visit Memphis and realize the drivers in their pansy-ass city don’t hold a candle to the idiots in this town that are allowed to get behind the wheel of a 2,000 pound metal, glass and rubber death machine.  Right of way?  Never heard of it.  Turn signal?  Who needs it.  One way streets?  But I’m only going one way.  Horn?  Favorite thing to play with.  Wet or icy streets?  Put the pedal to the metal, bubba!

3.  Local Government

Again, I’m sure every city claims to have corrupt or incompetent politicians, but I think you would be hard-pressed to find a local government anywhere that could compete with the collection of jackasses in positions of power in Memphis.  Let’s see, we’ve had a city council member who went to jail for taking a bribe, served his time, got re-elected to the city council and will be going back to jail for taking another bribe.  A city councilwoman just got busted for a DUI a few months back (in which a 7 year old girl was injured), another one was busted for shoplifting a couple of years ago, and one of our former council chairs made national news back in 2004 when he barred a visiting delegation of Iraqi civic leaders from City Hall, citing them as a security risk.  And then there is our mayor, “King” Willie Herenton.  The list of things that this arrogant racist fuck has done in his 5 terms as mayor is so long and so far out there, you would think that it was made up and if it wasn’t, then he wouldn’t have been elected mayor 5 fucking times.  But it’s not made up, and he was elected 5 times and Memphis truly deserves him.

4.  Elvis Anything

Don’t get me wrong, I like Elvis; I was a fan when I was a kid and I’m still a fan of his music now.  But I’m not a fan of the cult of Elvis which is damn near impossible to escape in this city.  It’s like Memphis music and heritage and culture all stopped in 1977.  Everything that happens here seems to be driven by “tourism” and there’s no bigger tourist draw than Mr. Presley.  But let’s be honest, Graceland sucks and anyone that’s been there knows that.  And while the first couple of years I lived here I thought the whole Elvis Week / Dead Elvis Week thing was pretty cool, with all the people dressed up like Elvis, now it’s just annoying and a pain in the ass to go anywhere and do anything during those two weeks, so I avoid downtown like the plague.  Now I don’t have to worry about it as I’m fairly certain Little Rock is virtually Elvis-free.

5.  Ole Miss Fans

And speaking of annoying, I can’t think of a more annoying and obnoxious group of people to ever be shat onto civilization than Ole Miss fans, and since Memphis is relatively close to Oxford that means there is an extraordinarily high cluster of these mouthbreathers in this city.  Sure, there are groups of people everywhere who are proud of their school and take it a step or two too far, particularly during football or basketball season, but Ole Miss fans take their misplaced pride about 20 steps further down the road to intolerable, and they do it 24-fucking-7.  “Woohoo!  We’re the greatest fucking school in…Mississippi.”  You see, right there, that’s the problem.  Being proud of being the best school in Mississippi is a lot like being proud to be the least-retarded retarded person in the world.  “Woohoo!  I’m the smartest dumbass alive!”  You see my point?  Yeah, Arkansas may be bad, but it can’t be as bad as that.

There are and will be more things, to be sure, that I will and will not miss about Memphis…time will tell.  But for now, I’m tired of typing and this list will have to do for the moment.  And there you have it.

Since my first post back in June about things not to shove up your ass, hundreds and hundreds of people have found their way here as a result of actually looking for things to shove up their ass. Originally my intent was to entertain by making fun of the misfortunes of other people. And then I thought I might be able to educate and discourage others from falling victim to similar misfortunes. But now…fuck it…I’d rather just try and profit from the misfortune of others. If someone is really that fucking determined to shove something up their ass, then why shouldn’t I recommend a few things for them to purchase and try out…and why shouldn’t they purchase those things from me?

So, I direct your attention to the sidebar on the right where you will find a sampling of products available for purchase through my Amazon store. Each item has been carefully selected, by me, for its quality and value, as well as its functionality to be used as an object to shove up your ass or, should you prefer, for what it is actually intended to be used. You can see all of the items available in the store by clicking here. Keep checking back as I’m sure new items will be added regularly.

Happy shopping.

Well, it seems Memphis’ favorite harlot (for the moment) is stirring up more “controversy”, this time over the fact that she was photographed wearing what is presumed to be a Shelby County Sheriff’s uniform. The officer’s baton is suspiciously absent in the photo. Hmmm…

Anyway, according to the story (which you can read here), an investigation is underway to determine if it is in fact a SCSD officer’s uniform, and if so, to whom it belongs and how it came to be in Jacky’s possession. Seriously? Memphis has one of the highest violent crime rates in the country and law enforcement is spending its limited resources to investigate a suburban Barbie doll wearing a cop outfit? That’s some fine police work there, Lou. I’ve been fortunate enough during my 14+ years in Memphis to have never been the victim of a crime, violent or otherwise, but I hope that if I ever do happen to be a victim of a crime that the individual committing the crime is a woman and she flashes her tits at me because that seems to be the only way to get the fucking police in this town off their asses and interested in doing their job.

I was doing a little research on the official U.S. Government web portal for a follow-up post about the recent Democratic and Republican National Conventions and the upcoming election, but I had a little trouble finding some of my source materials: